I am sad and lonely and surrounded by people and I am discovering that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I can’t even summarize all of my thoughts

uncharted

one of us is going to get hurt, one way or another. i can tell. and i live my life in fear of getting hurt. but i can also tell that i love you. so much. and every time i start to doubt …

9 PM

nine o’clock. i’m parked in an empty field, dead grass almost towering over me. the trunk of my car is open, facing the sunset

blue orange purple yellow red pink white gold

the clouds and the sky are brilliant and beautiful and i want to lay here forever with you
in the trunk of my car

so simple
so old

the trees agree
they whisper their approval
the words dancing gracefully,
quietly off their leaves
like rushing water over stones in a river

we stay here for a minute, an hour, a decade
our bubble punctured only by the sun finally setting behind the mountains

along with this wonderful moment
me and you

is it over? who knows. i hope not. i pray not. but it’s not up to us. this one is better left to fate.

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i think i’m really fucked up so like i’m gonna tell you some shit but it’s not so you pity me because i don’t like being pitied it’s just so you know & so i’m being completely open with you

when you fake reject my affection it makes me feel bad and like you don’t love me which i know you do & i know it’s stupid but sometimes that’s my immediate reaction & then i get all weird

you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me & im worried i’m gonna mess it up and lose you and

i love you so much and i’m worried that one small thing might mess everything up and i’m always worried that i’m that one small thing and it scares me

i’m afraid to completely let go & just be here because what if it’s too much or what if something happens and then i’m broken forever

i don’t wanna give you everything because that’s too much of a risk and i’m scared of risks i calculate everything first and i don’t do anything that’s gonna get me hurt but what if i love you and then something happens and then i’m hurt

it’s like it’s too good to be true but i know it is true but some part of me thinks it isn’t & wants to cut my losses and not get hurt because

sometimes i want to scream and cry and yell and let it all out but i’m worried that one little thing will make you stop loving me and i don’t want you to stop loving me so i don’t say everything because i don’t want to say the wrong thing and then not have you

but i’ll beg if i have to
please don’t stop loving me

ever
i don’t know what i would do

your love is the greatest thing this world has to offer me and it’s the only thing i’ll ever want and you’re the only thing i’ll ever need and this world is full of shit but you’re not you’re beautiful and perfect and please please don’t stop loving me i

if nothing else works out in this life,
i’m grateful at least
that i am yours
and you are mine

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find value in yourself and your qualities, instead of placing value in the relationships you have. if you judge yourself based on your relationships, you will always be disappointed. if you judge your relationships based on your values, you will find fulfillment and contentment because you will not settle for less than your values.

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you’re slipping away i can tell
but do what is best for you and i’ll do what’s best for me and hopefully they crash in to each other, like destiny calling
and i can love you from wherever
as long as there’s still some of you left

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as i write this, the sun has set. you are asleep. and i wonder. the mosquitos are here. and i should go